No one can help me now.

My mind forgets the most important things. I have an epiphany and forget it a moment later. I feel like I could live in a town for a million years and never know the streets, live in a house for my whole life and never really know it. I had a dream that my once closest friend died and I didn't even care. My roommate moved out in the first of December this year and a day later I had forgot she had ever lived there. I had forgot until two weeks later when another roommate asked "do you miss Emily?" . No, I don't, I've forgotten she exists.

Sometimes I feel like I forget my family. Forget how much they mean to me. After I've been gone for a month or so, they are voices on the other side of the line, words on a computer screen. I forget that my childhood has ever really exists when I'm living out my adulthood in the city. I'd forgotten the joys of summer in the country after 4 months in the city. Like it was another world in a story book.

I forget my telephone number, my post office box, which class room I'm in, the road to take, someone's name from only 6 months ago if not their existence all together. Days mesh together I have no scene of time and no understanding of anything beyond the obvious. University has made me feel as if the life and all capacity for independent thought has been sucked dry from my being.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not living only repeating and imitating what others are doing. Mimicing the reactions others give and selling them as my own. Some times I wonder if I were left out in a snow bank would I even know to get out before I froze. With no sense of reality or time passing how would I know other then the logical reactions which I mimic from others.
My being confuses me. Whoever me is. My body and mind control themselves. Who I am is a mystery. Where do my thoughts come from? How does thinking work? Who is creating my life, certainly not 'me', no 'me' is a useless and abstract term.

Today I drank cold well water straight from a full , large, blue jug. It felt like I was entering a crystalline pool as I used to as a child. I drank nearly the whole jug in refreshed ecstasy, swallowing up the pool I longed to swim in but never will.

Only my writing can fulfill me.