A random narrative I wrote late last night..

" I'm a conflicted individual. Very much in my own head, often self-evaluating. As a result I'm noticeably self aware.

I'm another member of the masses that is intensely interested and involved in self improvement you see. Just another piece of the targeted audience for women's magazines. Except, as a feminist, I make a point not to buy "women's" magazines because I find them highly unpractical and bad for a women's image due to the atrocious way they tend to generalize. But mostly I can't stand the way they take advantage of women's low self esteem for sales. I find it disgusting, besides the lists of goals in those pieces of junk are impracticable and damaging to the feminine psyche.. So I make my own lists.. of potentially damaging goals for becoming the perfect woman to stress over... I told you I was a conflicted individual!

I keep track of my goals by cataloging them in little books that I buy from the local office supply store every so often. I log and review in these books daily in addition to maintaining a calendar, blog, written journal and a daily turn over of To-do lists that I keep posted on the fridge. Maybe it's damaging but I think it keeps me focused and motivated. My web of goals is an art. An obsession. I don't know what I would do with out those small cluttered pages to keep me in line and thinking. My life, the way I see it, is like a long tangled path of tall weeds that I wade through. But I wade through them with happiness. I wouldn't call the situation a mess, I would call it a pleasure and a privilege. You see my quest for a better me isn't something I wish to revise, I look at it as charming, a gift even. It's helps me to appreciate life and become a stronger person. As I achieve another task I magically transform the tall, thorny weed standing in front of me into a small, beautiful flower. I pat it on the head and proudly make my way around it to the next raspberry cane, rose bush or thistle blocking me . It's as if I were a robot picking up better pieces of machinery to renovate it's self with as it gets older. It's what most people do, some just don't take notice of the process because they're not self aware- like me.

Though I may take the process too far at times with my system for productivity.
I'm a self confessed, goal obsessed, list fanatic, budding perfectionist.
....Should that bother me? Some times it does because I don't want to turn into my mother- which is also on my list- 'don't turn into my mother'. But if I were to try and stop being a perfectionist then that would have to be added to the list too.. and there are only so many spots available! Because I only give myself so many goals so I don't become too overwhelmed..because I don't want to get stressed because if I do I will surely BURN OUT. And not burning out is also on my list. 'Don't burn out'! Burning out is like .. well the devil or death or something. If I am to burn out, I'll never get anything done! It's like the end of the road. A hard, painful fall into the thorny, tangled bush that lay ahead of me hungry and waiting for my eventual failure.

Failure.. oh God.. I shutter at the thought. "